| I'm sure my last post.. If anyone even reads my garbage.. was fairly vague. I'll just go as far to say that I'm having some roommate issues. Okay, maybe I'll go a little further to say that I'm having friend issues, mainly because of my one roommate who has been one of my closest friends for the past year or so. Granted, my last semester of college, we started to realize that we were turning into different people; her, more than I. Now, this year, we have picked up a third roommate and I've noticed that the frustrations I've had with her weren't not just my own peeves, but they're things that bother other people, too. I started to think the only reason they didn't bother other people was because this person in topic was the biggest ass kisser to everyone else except me. I, in turn, could kiss HER ass, as far as she was concerned.. Whatever. This past week, it got to a breaking point.. Where I sat down with her and said I thought we needed to talk. She turned around and said there was nothing to talk about. So my question, I guess, would be how does someone who cares/cared about you, treat you like shit? Especially when you've made an effort to work through and correct all or any wrongs. I don't get it. The dealbreaker was that even after I tried to fix things, she made an conscious effort of being not only rude to me, but rude to friends of mine. I won't tolerate that. It's really sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew.. So as I begin to count my lucky stars for those in my life, I have to slam my head against my desk or two for those who just can't seem to make up their mind. For example, my ex-boyfriend, who isn't happy unless he's confusing someone of the opposite sex, continues to pop in and out of my life. One day, he can't live without me, the next, he's "I'm not what he's looking for" and he wants nothing to me. Okay, that's cool and all. To each his own, whatever. But for the love of God, man. Contary to popular belief, I am NOT bulletproof. You shoot me, I bleed! Even though I'm not interested, I still have feelings. For a while after that, I legitimately really hurt. Like my heart ached. Why was I never good enough for any guy I've dated and why does he continue to prove that I'm not? I recently found the answer; I think that maybe it's less of he's not sure if I'm good enough for him... But that he still has no proof that he's ever been good enough for me. Regardless of the truth, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
I also considered another fact: It didn't work out once. And for a reason. Why would I ever try again? It's like that quote.. "Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit." Now, I don't even like chicken salad, but ladies and gentlemen... My ex-boyfriends could certainly be confused with chicken shit. I guess the thing that's really been plaguing me is an intense feeling of being alone. This isn't like a literal alone.. Because obviously, I have very true friends. This is more of the emotional kind of alone. The alone you get when you go into Giant Eagle to get Salt and Vinegar chips and theres a couple debating on popcorn choices for their movie night. Come on, I needed chips, not nausea.. No, this is definitely the kind of alone that no one else sees. It's kind of like broken ribs, where everything is fine on the outside, but it hurts with every taken breath... The alone that is brought on by friends, platonic and intimate alike, who just seem to move on without a single thought. I guess there's really nothing wrong with that but.. It still hurts. The fact that I avoid my room in order to avoid dealing with my roommate. Yeah, that makes me feel alone. The fact that a guy who can be so in love one second and won't even give you the time of the day the next.. Yeah, that sucks, too. Someday, I'll figure all this out and just like broken ribs, I'm hoping this will all mend. Not just for me, but for everyone who's ever been bruised (in the alone sense.) Okay, I think that's enough metaphors for me. Until next time, xo. |
